Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
