I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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