I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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