ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Randomize
