I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
