apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
