dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
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