He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
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