Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
