I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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