He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Randomize
