Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
