I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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