Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
