I murdered the dance floor call the cops
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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