Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
