I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
