I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
only you would photoshop your dick
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
