I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
