dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Randomize
