I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
