my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
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