god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
