I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
