we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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