Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Randomize
