I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Randomize
