we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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