You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
