you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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