So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
