Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
