Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
