if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
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