You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
