there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
