I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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