pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
