I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
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