I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
