i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
