I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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