What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
