i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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