dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
