I'm passing your future prison.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
