i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
