I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
