I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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