i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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