can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
