Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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