god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
how do flat chested girls get laid?
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
