Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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