I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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