Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
we're making bets on your personal life
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
