I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Randomize
