and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
