I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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