how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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