I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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