walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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