Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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